Friday, June 09, 2006

Fifty Ways To Annoy Your Hostel Roomates...

Now I know its a hostel and its cheap.You live cheek by jowl with absolute strangers who often as not dont even share the same language as you.Nor the same standards of cleanliness.Or Hygiene. Or Courtesy.
Below are some of the ways you too can annoy those sharing a typical hostel dormitory.A space the size of a typical New York prison cell.Trust me the cell in the New York Police Museum looked more acomodating than my present "digs".Come to think of it, some of the rooms in the tenement building in the Lower East Side Museum also looked more luxuriously appointed...

1.Come in late.Or Early.Round 3 a.m.Fiddle with the lock and your key for several minutes before entering the room.

2.Upon entering, make flailing attempts to locate the light switch waving your arms around in all directions.Fall over several times cursing in your native tongue.You will,it goes without saying, be somewhat inebriabated and reeking of smoke,alcohol and possibly other illegal substances.

3.Having located said light switch attempt to turn it on and off several times.

4.Empty the contents of your pockets on the floor and attempt to pick them up.Repeat the process several times.

5.Pack and unpack the contents of your suitcases and noisily unzip and zip up your backpack while attempting to find your elusive toothbrush.Repeat the process of zipping and unzipping several times.

6.If you are fortunate to be in the top bunk consider it to be your own personal trampoline.Bounce up and down several times to even out the bumpy mattress.Repeat the process several times.

7.Leap off the top bunk onto the floor ensuring your large unbathed feet come into contact with the bottom bunk to break your fall.Ignore stifled screams of bottom bunk occupier whos obviviously not a party person. Who in their right mind anyway goes to bed before 3a.m in the city that never sleeps...

8.Gargle loudly when brushing and rinsing your teeth...

9.Check your phone for the third time to see if anyone from the nightclub left you a message in the last three minutes.Repeat process several times before climbing back onto the top bunk.

10.Check that you have set your clock alarm.Repeat number 9 just in case someone left you a message in the 2 minutes since you last checked.

11.Finally thrash about for about two minutes as you adjust the blankets and pillow all the while shaking the bottom bunk and its occupier.

12.Leap from the bunk to switch off the room light which you forgot to do before you climbed up.

13.Locate your torch and shine it about the room making animal silhouettes on the walls..practice your wolf and owl cries as you make the shapes on the ceiling..
Alternatively shine the torch in the faces of the other three people in the room to check that they are asleep and arent stealing your backpack..

14.Sigh heavily and fall into a deep sonorous sleep.

15.Awake some four hours later to curse at the other occupants who have awoken and are showing a lack of consideration towards your slumbering form..

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